Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
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Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.