*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
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When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood