@robdelaney: Michael Jackson would be 54 today if he hadn't hired such a gifted nap specialist.
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@HatfieldAnne: “IN my period? ON my period? Ooo…maybe use ‘menses’ instead?” I chew my pen thoughtfully. You can't rush a good jury duty excuse letter.
@zoeklar: One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said "thank god his name isn't John Barbecue Sauce!"
@JennyJohnsonHi5: I think it's fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
@krissywillbretz: Searched my teens room for drugs, was told "you don't give me enough money for drugs." I don't know whether to be proud or up his allowance.