Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
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When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
*skinny dips into black hole
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.