@robdelaney: Michael Jackson would be 54 today if he hadn't hired such a gifted nap specialist.
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@JeremyKCMO: Ladies, here's a secret. The moment you are happy and over us, we will send you a text saying that we miss you.
@Tmoney68: [Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985] Jesus: Let's do unlimited breadsticks. CEO: How can we supply that many? Jesus: *winks at camera*
@ipalatsky: Old superstition: When wife laughs at your jokes: It means you have guests in the house.
@MikeDrucker: TWITTER USERS: It would be nice if you stopped people making death threats. TWITTER: OK, but what if those death threats could be LONGER?