Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
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Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Meow
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.