I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
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*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Well, that should do it
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?