DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
You Might Also Like
My inexpensive home security system…
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Running from your problems is cardio .
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Snapes on a plane.