If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
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[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Wikigenius
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
That’s amazing.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs