Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
You Might Also Like
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.