midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
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Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking