Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
You Might Also Like
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*