Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
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Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music