Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
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Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
fr
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.