@daemonic3: Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
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@SuperRandomish: Coworker: "How'd you get that cut above your eye?" Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* "STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!"
@Jamie1947: [tv ad] Hey folks, this is Don Key! Come on down to Key's Automotive for.. uh- [camera still rolling] holy shit .. donkey. my name is donkey
@howe007: If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you're a wizard.
@CantWaitToNap: Spielberg's movie "Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.