Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
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wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
It’s an epidemic…
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”