Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
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Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*