migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
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Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
sigh
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]