@TeaPainUSA: Mike Huckabee calls Obama a "pretend Christian", and if anyone's an expert on "pretend Christians", it's Mike Huckabee.
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@notacroc: Therapist: what's upsetting you? Wife: he's always using common phrases incorrectly Me: cry me a table, Linda
@JimmySelfDest: Mother in law found me... On the twitter This will be converted into a pineapple upside down cake blog for the next 72 hours. I'm so sorry
@TEXASVETERAN: Me: I love you! Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking? Me: It's me...talking to the vodka.