Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
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The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
#parenting
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”