Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
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“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here