MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
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Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
not to brag, but mine was free
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Lol #dogsoftwitter
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
My life coach traded me.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
A little too much information.