Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
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Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential