There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
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My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.