[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
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Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Oh boy, $150,000!
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?