I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
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[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
water it, i dare you
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
This is not me but this is me