Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
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*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Just as the prophecy foretold
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.