Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
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my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
🤯🤯🤯
Who’s your best friend?
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers