Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
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My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”