@kumailn: Million dollar idea: Nutella, but super healthy.
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@SexytotheNorth: [First date] Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling? Him: Water? Me: No, my personality.
@iamburtjarvis: HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK: STEP 1: buy a recliner STEP 2: buy some beer STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
@david8hughes: [doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other] Bad news, pal. You're a skeleton.