Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
You Might Also Like
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
“Huge”.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Worth the read.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.