Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
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ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules