I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
You Might Also Like
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.