Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
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WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Real House Wines.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?