Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
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Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Mountain Goat : )
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?