Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
You Might Also Like
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
✌🏽
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Mornin