@BillMc7: MIND BENDER: Take your age. Now subtract 3. That's how old you were three years ago.
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@garrettn: Claiming that someone else's marriage is against your religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because you're on a diet.
@KalvinMacleod: ME: all the King's horses and men couldn't put u back together HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now M: [opening package of bacon] I'll think of something
@murrman5: *texts son "dont say me" as wife heads to his bedroom* wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?