Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
You Might Also Like
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Taking phone security to the next level.