Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
You Might Also Like
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
*limbos away from your hug*
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.