[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
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WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
I’m Sold!
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.