Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
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“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Everything reminds me of my ex
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
plant them where lol
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Me too, bag. Me too….