Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
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I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Seems legit
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.