Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
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If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity