Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
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oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir