Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
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doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.