Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
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I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
step 6: release the wall snake
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*