Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
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Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.