Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
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Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Breaking news:
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale