Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
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Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk