Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
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[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
My birth announcement for our third baby
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Morning.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.