Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
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The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.