Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
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Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Boom, boom, ching!
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
I love the National Park Service.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
My dog learned how to text
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Watson was Holmes schooled
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”