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The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Seals are just dog mermaids.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?