@SeanBlazed: Miss someone? Paint a helium balloon like their face. Deflate it. Put it in your back pocket. They're still gone and that was weird advice.
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@underchilde: I haven’t smoked in years, but I still carry a lighter around in case I’m ever in the mood to set someone on fire.
@JohnHilsen: Of course climate change is man-made. It's all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
@skylerhanrath: [pirate ship] Pirate: Walk the plank Me: *struts down like nobody's business* Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you're one of us now
@missekay: *watches soccer* *watches soccer* *watches soccer* *watches soccer* *has to pee* *watches soccer* *gets up to pee* *misses goal* :/