Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
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[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Jogging
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake