“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
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My dad teaching me to drive
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Miscakes
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
the dark web is just a goth google.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it