MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
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Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
I’m an avid indoorsman.
when dads have a rap battle
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.