No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
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Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.