Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
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[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.