@JKickinit30: Missionary is good if you’re into helping small countries rebuild.
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@Mom_Overboard: [on the phone] me: i let the cat out of the bag sis: what?? me: ...too early at the vet and she hid under the desk sis: oh phew me: then i spilled the beans sis: what?! me: ...all over the floor at dinner sis: omg ok me: also i told mum you're pregnant okiloveyoubye
@KeetPotato: wife: [crying] "he always calls me weird pet names" therapist: "what do you mean?" me: [arriving late] "what's wrong my little hovercraft?"
@Marcmywords2: Just used the phrase "my good coat hanger", if you're wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶 Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman? Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶